Manifesting Love? This Is What’s Blocking You

by | Aug 27, 2023 | Beliefs and Blocks, Coaching, Manifestation | 0 comments

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Manifesting love is a big one! But if you notice something blocking you from you bringing in that right person, this is what it is.

Relationship blocks like any other blocks are patterns and cycles in our subconscious that continue to play out in relationships despite wanting to manifest different results.

There are many ways relationship blocks show up. You must get to the root of these blocks so you can manifest the relationship you truly desire. Keep reading to learn how.

Manifesting love. This is a big one, am I right??? We’re all looking for love. That special person we can share experiences with, connect to. laugh with and have great sex with. We’re on the dating apps, we’re checking people out in the produce isle of the grocery stores, we’re asking friends if they know someone that would check off all the boxes on our list. The same list that gets increasingly larger and larger with every bad date, creepy interaction, or just plain let down.

Maybe you feel like you’re open to receive that almost perfect someone. Because remember, nobody is perfect. Perfection is a myth. Yet, you feel like you keep attracting the same type of person.

You might be asking yourself why do I keep finding myself in the same types of relationships?

Manifesting Love blocks

You long for someone that is emotionally available, who will show up for you. Yet, emotionally unavailable people keep crossing your path. Or maybe it’s codependency, narcissism, people you think you’re connecting with until you realize you’re actually trauma bonding.

Or you fall into patterns of people pleasing as a means of keeping them from leaving you. You want to keep them happy, to show your value. There could be that “push-pull” where you find someone you like and connect with, but then push them away through arguments or other behaviors.

Or you are so used to chaos that when things are calm and peaceful you think that you’re incompatible and the person is boring.

Maybe deep down you feel unworthy of a healthy relationship, putting others on pedestals, thinking you’re not good enough for this person. That you’re unlovable if they see the “real” you. All of this keeps you from your path.

These examples are what I would consider bigger relationship blocks. However, these blocks could show up in small ways too. Where we are conditioned to think about relationships, significance of them, gender roles, or how parents or caregivers treated one another.

These relationship blocks are rooted in the subconscious.

These parts of you have picked up programming and conditioning based on your environment growing up. Some of these parts are vulnerable parts, they are seeking out what hurt them as a “do over” in a way. The vulnerable part is looking for vindication, love, validation, that it didn’t receive growing up. However, it seeks this through the same type of person that hurt you in the first place. This is how the cycle continues. Then other parts, protector parts, will play rolls as well. Often, it’s not just one part, it’s a system of parts working together off of this past programming and conditioning.

Let me break this down…

If you grew up in a household where your parents/caregivers often fought, parts of you latches on to the idea that this is how relationships are. Then they hold on to this belief. The parts become confused when things are calm, say If you have a partner that prefers to talk out an argument or disagreement instead of fight and lash out.

And they are more likely to fight when there is a perceived threat or attack. The parts play out this cycle, pushing fights, getting defensive, thinking this is the only way to resolve any form of conflict. 

Or, if you grew up with one of the parents or caregivers being domineering, aggressive, authoritative, or abusive, then the parts will attempt to avoid conflict. These parts will work to try to keep you safe, to not trigger the parents or caregivers. This often results in not speaking up for yourself in relationships, people pleasing, and ultimately losing a sense of yourself in the relationship out of fear of upsetting the person and “setting them off”.

Even if that person doesn’t act like the parents or caregivers. The parts don’t know that they are different people. This is because these parts are stuck in the past. Rationally, which is also a part, you will know that your partner is not the parent or caregiver, but when the other parts are activated, the rational part gets pushed out and the other parts become blended with True Self. This results in feeling like you have lost control. Overwhelmed with emotions.

Can you think of a time this has happened?

Feeling overwhelmed with emotions that it becomes too difficult to see the situation for what it really is? Or an urge to behave a certain way?, such as people pleasing or codependency?

This is what I mean when I say that a part is blended with True Self. Afterwards, you might be able to see the reality of the situation. This is where other parts tend to come in, a part of you that feels shame or regret for your behavior or reaction. You could notice negative self-talk, a part of you that is being hyper critical of yourself. Or you could have self-compassion, use this to gain awareness and insight into your internal world.

Similar scenarios also activate parts. As I mentioned before, if you are attempting to find someone that is emotionally available but grew up with parents or caregivers that were emotionally unavailable a part of you is going to gravitate to the emotionally unavailable because, one, it’s familiar, and two it is trying to get it’s needs met through that familiarity. But unless that person is working on themselves to undo their own programming and conditioning, it’s futile. And the cycle continues until you stop it.

My Relationship Blocks

For me, I grew up in an emotionally unavailable household. If I showed emotions then I would be told that I was being “dramatic”, “too much”, to “suck it up”, or some other invalidating thing was said to me.

Some of my parts learned that they needed to shut emotions down. They equated showing emotions to being unlovable. They felt that it wasn’t safe to show emotions. Although not all emotions were shut down. Anger was an acceptable emotion in my household. Anger could be shown. It wasn’t shown in a healthy or productive way, but my parts realized that anger was an acceptable emotion.

This became a tangled web

That needed to be carefully and thoughtfully untangled. I didn’t know it at the time though. When I began dating I, being emotionally unavailable myself, went for other emotionally unavailable people. These relationships weren’t great by any means. Early in my dating years, I went through a particularly difficult period of time, The weight of everything I was holding became unbearable and I remember breaking down one day and crying to him. This apparently crossed a line because I was told that I was weak, that he thought I was stronger than this, that he couldn’t date me anymore because I was “too much” and broke up with me.

Now he didn’t actually say this to me. But this is how he did it. he borrowed money from me before I left to go to work. We planned for me to come back after work. When I returned, he changed the locks using the money he borrowed, needless to say I didn’t get that money back and duck taped a note to the door it saying those things. That I was weak, he thought I was stronger than this, pretty much that I disappointed him and his perception of me came crashing down.

I was so hurt by it and so angry. Rationally (a part), I knew this was for the best, but it perpetuated that feeling of being unlovable (vulnerable part). For a long time after this, my parts upped their shields of defense to show no emotions. To always be strong. Emotions equaled weakness. Weakness equaled being unlovable. It took years of deprogramming to undo this and to be able to show emotions, besides anger. I really wish I had IFS back then. It would have been a much quicker process.

The parts in my Relationship Blocks

As I continued to work on becoming emotionally available, I was still in emotionally unavailable relationships. My partner at that time was not on the same path as I was so for this reason and many others, we eventually parted ways. And I had to continue working on myself, untangling that web to break the programming those parts held onto so tightly. Then I could feel internally lovable and worthy. To be open to and accept a partner that was emotionally available. In other words, manifest the partner I wanted without these blocks being in the way.

I want to identify the parts in this system that were working on my behalf based on what they learned in my childhood so that you, dear lister, can get a full picture of how these parts worked together.

The vulnerable part was the one holding the hurt and pain from being invalidated when showing emotions. The vulnerable part became exiled away in the system by protector parts in an attempt to protect the whole system from feeling that hurt and pain.

This part was activated in the relationship I gave in the example. The reaction, the hurt this part felt wasn’t just the hurt from what they said but the part was also carrying the hurt from childhood.

This is why sometimes our reactions don’t match the situation.

It’s because the part is not only reacting to the present situation but also all the past situations associated with it. This is the baggage we carry from relationship to relationship.

With a vulnerable part, there are protector parts. As previously mentioned, protector parts try really hard not to activate the vulnerable part. They have positive intentions; however, they often unknowingly go about it in a way that often times hurts the system, not help it.

They do what they know and what has worked in the past. For me, these were the parts that shut down emotions. They were always on guard, not willing to let anyone see me upset. If I did show emotions, because the protector parts can’t always do these jobs, and are usually overworked and exhausted, a hyper critical part would come up. This part would berate me for showing emotions. This critical part often sounded like my parents. Another part in the system was the anger part, or as I like to call her, my rage-y part. She was also on full alert all the time. Willing to fight anyone that even considered hurting me.

Anger is Sad’s Bodyguard

Have you ever heard the phrase, “anger is sad’s bodyguard”? For me, this was truth. Sometimes it can be “anxiety is sad’s bodyguard”, or other parts attempting to protect the system from feeling that sadness. For me, it was anger. A little side note on that-anger can be very healthy and productive if funneled correctly. Anger is the catalyst to change. Anger tells us when someone is pushing a boundary. Women are often conditioned at a young age that it’s not appropriate to show anger. To that, my rage-y part says they can piss off.

I’ve said this before on here, my rage-y part always wants to burn the mother fucker down. Do I let her? No, I would probably be in jail right now if I did. Instead, her anger and rage funnel through True Self me where I can direct it effectively. Do I sometimes yell at bad drivers, yes. But I have stopped getting out of my car and going after someone that almost hit me once I started learning how to control this more effectively.

How we see the world and how we show up in the world are based on our conditioning and programming. And it’s our parts that are programmed and conditioned.

As I had mentioned earlier, these blocks could also show up in more subtle ways of how we are conditioned based on what we saw in our environment. But they are still blocks none the less.

To shed some light on what I’ll tell you about a recent situation I had.

My partner Tim, and I had his parents over for dinner a couple of weeks ago. Everything was going well until his mother mentioned nonchalantly that it was his parents’ anniversary. They had been married over 50 years. Tim didn’t know that day was their anniversary.

After they left, I had to understand what this was all about. I still remember my parent’s anniversary date and they’ve been divorced 20+ years and my mother has since passed away. It is something that is etched in my mind along with things like my home phone number, childhood address.

Tim told me that things weren’t really celebrated-birthdays, anniversaries, holidays. Of course, I bombarded him with questions and speculations as to why they didn’t celebrate special occasions. What it came down to was that these days often brought on a ton of stress which would lead to arguments between his parents. So much so that after a while he just wanted to pretend that these “special” days didn’t exist. Like it was just any other day of the week, as to not provoke stress and arguments.

What happened was a part of him associated these days with stress, anxiety, arguments, and would rather avoid them all together.

This part became conditioned to not celebrate or look forward to these “special” days.

All of this really helped me understand him so much better. I finally realized why he didn’t think it was a big deal to celebrate our anniversary even though it was important for me to celebrate.

You can’t manifest love with this kind of conditioning

Then I realized a part of me is conditioned too, just in a different way. These yearly occasions were big deals in my household. Well at least to my mother, who tried hard to make our birthdays special and wanted other days to be special as well, like her anniversary. Even though my dad fell short with it. Like in Tim’s household growing up, this also brought on arguments on some of these days. Although I perceived it differently than he did. This could be because there wasn’t stress and arguments on all these special occasions, only the ones related to my parents.

This mention at dinner that night and the conversation that followed, helped me reflect on why things are important to me, and why it hurt so much when it didn’t seem important to Tim. My part viewed it as a replay of watching my mother feel sad and hurt when my father didn’t live up to her expectations. Ultimately leading up to divorce. This part is afraid that this will happen because Tim is seemingly responding the way my father had to my mother. But now I have a better understanding of why he is doing this. It has nothing to do with me, it’s conditioning. Just like it’s my conditioning that I took it personally.

Our Baggage Blocks manifesting love

I tell you this story because we’re all holding baggage. We’re all conditioned in so many ways that play out in our day to day lives. We don’t even realize what is happening until we step back and reflect on it. Follow the thread as I like to say and see where the root is. This gives us an abundant amount of information. Even thinking about behaviors like people pleasing, going into caretaker mode, and codependency. These are parts that have somehow learned that they need to act this way in order to be loved, and it doesn’t have to be in romantic relationships, either. These behaviors can pop up in all areas of interpersonal relationships. Friendships, work with boss and coworkers, neighbors.

When we push against that conditioning it feels uncomfortable. This is only because the parts aren’t following the same pattern, the same cycle. The fear of the unknown becomes very prevalent. Even though they aren’t happy in these patterns and cycles, they are comfortable with this conditioning. They would rather be comfortable than sitting in discomfort. But discomfort is where we grow. 

Let’s look at it through neuroscience lens-

Because of conditioning and programming neural pathways in our brain were created. Neural pathways are a result of thoughts and behaviors. This is how habits are formed. How we learn things. And as we learn something new, it makes a new pathways and as we continue to practice whatever we learned the pathway becomes stronger.

Patterns in our thoughts and behaviors are due to these neural pathways being created and strengthened. For instance, if we have only seen relationships that are unhealthy- we usually gravitate to those same types of relationships, because this is what our brain understands, knows, and feels comfortable in.

But if we get into a healthy relationship, there are no neural pathways to guide us. No pattern. This is when it can feel uncomfortable for our parts. Our parts like to know what’s up. When something is new our parts get thrown off. They try to resist, thinking that this is the only way they know, wanting to stay on that conditioned pathway even if it is not the healthiest. It’s considered the “safest”. But it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong. It just means that our brains need to make new neural pathways.

The great thing is-we have neuroplasticity. The brain constantly makes new neural pathways, without us even realizing it. We have new experiences, learn new information, new memories. The brain is always adapting and making new pathways.

 Our brain is always adapting, changing. We just need to reassure the parts that this is okay. That the system as a whole is safe as we pivot, change, adapt, and grow. We can help our parts break the patterns and cycles from the programming and conditioning.

Use the past as a guide to our present and future.

We can look to the past to understand why we subconsciously block our manifestations.

People don’t like looking at the past. They often judge themselves for getting caught up on something that happened so long ago. I hear “the past is the past” a lot. Or “the past doesn’t bother me” This is a part btw, usually a rational part that really believes it. The other parts haven’t gotten this memo though. And if they did from this part, they wouldn’t listen to it. They only will listen to True Self. The past is where all of this is held.

So, I ask you this-

what if we stopped judging ourselves? Just because we got caught up in the past, in those patterns and cycles of conditioning, and instead use it as an opportunity to further expand ourselves to who we want to be in the present and future? And recognize it’s just the brain doing what it does. But thank God for neuroplasticity.

It’s these seemingly small things that can bring so much light into a past hurt that continues to control how we think of ourselves and the world, our interactions with others, our moving forward with our hopes, dreams, and goals we are trying to manifest.

You might wonder…

Angel what do you do from here? I’ll start by telling you what I did-

I worked with these parts of me, healing the vulnerable part, unblending from the protector parts and giving some new jobs or roles. I built trust and a relationship between these parts and my True Self. So, they would allow True Self me to be in the lead. Is it perfect? No, but again perfection is a myth. We will never be perfect. But if we can work with our parts so that they will trust that True Self us knows what’s best, and it does intuitively, then those parts will no longer block us from manifesting the love we want. We will also no longer be trying to recreate past scenarios for these “do overs” because that part will no longer need that external validation. It can and will get everything it needs from True Self us.   

If you want to start now-notice something small in your life, something that might cause discomfort or reaction within yourself and see if you can follow the thread to the part of you that is holding on to something that it doesn’t need to anymore.

Then you can practice self-compassion

To gain awareness and insight into your internal world. It can be hard to unblend from a part at first. However, if you can reflect after this happens, follow the thread of what activated the part, notice thoughts, feelings, body sensations that came up before or as the part was blending, this gives you insight on how to catch it sooner. When you show yourself compassion, that means True Self is present. This is when your perspective shifts, free from judgment. If there is judgment, this is a critical part, ask it to step aside so you can reflect without the criticism, shame, and judgment. This is how you can become aware of your parts and start taking the lead as True Self.

That’s the magic of our True Self. We have the ability inside of us to heal ourselves, to right the wrongs, break the patterns and cycles from past programming and conditioning. To feel internally lovable and worthy. This is when you become aligned and connected to the Universe and when you become unstoppable.

And who doesn’t want that???

Happy manifesting!

If this piqued your interest…

I want to invite you to check out my two-part series: Unlocking Your Inner Magnetism, A Journey of Self-Love and Manifestation.

In this two-part series on Unlocking Your Inner Magnetism, A Journey of Self-Love and Manifestation, I talk all about self-compassion, self-love, why they are important in manifestation, how practices to boost self-compassion and self-love unlock your inner magnetism, and offer daily practices to increase self-compassion and self-love within yourself with a bonus on how to engage with your parts.

Part One is here,

Part two is here.

Links:

Here are some of my other offerings and fun stuff to check out!
Find True Self Manifestation here.
Free How to Tap Into Your Intuition Guide

Beyond Beliefs: Free Workbook
How to Manifest Without the Self-Sabotage E-Course.
Free Quiz- Are Limiting Beliefs Blocking Your Manifestations?
Read the blog here.
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Email: angel@trueselfmanifestation.com

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Hey there, I´m Angel

This is my little corner of the internet where I share all things about manifestation and Internal Family Systems. I’ll share my insights, knowledge, and tips, so that I can help you manifest your most amazing life!

 

 

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